trying hard

i was mad at myself this morning for not getting up with my alarm. i had finally figured out how to get it to have a snooze function so it wouldnt only go off once (and thus, i ignore it) but it didnt help today, i was being too lazy and did not get up.

i went to work out after work, after having a difficult discussion with no resolution, and i worked SO hard to get my workout done. i was on the verge of tears whenever i would let my mind wander too far, and about 20 minutes into it, i couldnt go any further.

it was a good workout, i was on a higher resistance than i normally try, so of course it was going to be tougher. i really need to have my mind focused when i work out. they say its a good way to deal with stress, and it is, but when the stress is so close to the tip of my tongue, so close to the edge, about to fall off, its so hard, SO hard to keep my body going. it wants to shut down, it wants to curl into a ball and hide where no one can see me until its all over.

i know i can't do that. i have to put myself out there, i have to work out, i have to do whats right for me, and us. its hard, but things that are hard are just that much more worth it. i will do it this time.

i am such a basket case right now.