postcard pinup show - MINT Gallery

sorry MINT for not selling any art at your show... I hope you made some money!

here are my offerings:

some progress on my stuff for the show. bad picture, i know, but i wanted to take one quickly.

in other news, 10lbs lost! what what? yes!

I got started working on the artwork for the show over the weekend.

I know you can't see a lot in that picture, but it just shows that I'm making progress! I had a little fit of inspiration.

In other news... I've lost 9lbs! If I can lose 1 more before thanksgiving, I would be really happy. I've been sick and unable to go to the gym, so I am hoping I have more energy tomorrow so I can go. I'm trying to keep my metabolism revved up.

step 1

so, the other day i went to this huge awesome art supply store in buckhead (yes, blech, buckhead, but it could not be avoided this time)

anyway i went to binders and it was awesome. i got my illustration board and some stuff to cut it with, and a new paint brush.

i cut the little 4x6 boards tonight, and my fricken hands are so sore. it is really tough to cut that stuff with an xacto knife.

so step 1, cut the boards into the right size. finished.

now i have a bunch of ideas floating around in my head, sorta materializing. i really want to wait until i have a few hours at once to get into the real work, at least for the start of it, hopefully this weekend i can get them started.

i really want to experiment with textures and things raised off the surface. i think because these are soooo tiny, it would be really interesting to have something with a TON of stuff going on, and lots of texture and color, in a really small amount of space.

i am going to have to use untraditional materials to create the texture though, the last few i've done have used up GOBS of paint to create the texture, and it'd probably be more frugal to use other things. any ideas or contributions are appreciated.

holy hell

so, i've been invited to submit some work for the Mint Gallery's postcard pinup show! (invited meaning i emailed them about it and they told me to come on down, not that i was discovered by andy warhol's 2nd cousin or anything)

i'm really excited!! and terrified!! i need to submit 4, 4"x6" postcards. now i need ideas. and the postcard-sized paper or canvas to paint on. !!!


!!!

on to something completely different...

so now that obama has become the president-elect, i have to find something else to be obsessive over. i think its going to be my painting. i've talked to reps from 2 different group shows that are opening in december and i might be participating! they are both for charity so it would be a nice thing to do before christmas anyway, but i would be honored just to have my artwork up in a show, regardless of whether i sold anything or not. however, it would be awesome to be able to make enough money to continue to do art without having to dip into savings or anything. anyone who has ever painted will tell you, supplies are expensive!

a friend of mine uses the money he makes from his artwork for supplies and new tattoos. i don't know how much he makes from it but i think its a decent buck. it would be awesome to have a little income from it. even more amazing to be able to make a living at it, but i don't have those kind of delusions of grandeur. for now i'm just painting for the fun and catharsis of it. but i am really liking my style that is sort of taking shape. my very first piece was just the trolley for the front of our house. its not artistic really in any way but its pretty. the difference between that and my current work is crazy, and that was only a year ago.

i don't even know if these people are going to like my style and allow me to join in the show, but it would be amazing if they did. my style is definitely not the norm in hipstery atlanta right now, so who knows.

congratulations mr. president

yes we can

election day... too much stress

so, instead, distract yourself by looking at these websites:

sit or squat?
hulu
super obama world!

i'll be on edge all day, but i am really excited and can only hope for the best!

i really didnt want to have to move out of the country... being an ex-patriot is tough.

day 10! the end!

i am finished! i feel like i can do anything now!

during these 10 days, i've lost 7lbs, but i've definitely gained confidence that if i put my mind to something, i can do it. everyone who i talk to about this says 'oh my gosh, i could never do that' but its not true, anyone could, its just how determined you are to do it.

it makes me want to do a million things, i want to paint, i want to run, i want to bike, i want to travel... it just gives me so much strength in myself that i can do what i want and not worry about what other people think.

i am going to start saving up for that trip to europe now! :) and for a new wardrobe since i'll be much smaller by the time i go.

a little crazy?

neither the sticker or the button that i ordered almost a month ago ever showed up. i am wondering if someone is stealing my mail. my very italian landlords don't seem like the type, but they could be very republican. i can't tell. they might not have even known what the package was though, so they probably would have ignored it.

so, i took action and spent my last 12 dollars at barackobama.com and ordered a couple of buttons and a car magnet. lets hope those actually come in the mail.

last night i watched the debate alone b/c b was too tired to come over, but i felt a little crazier yelling at the tv with no one around, so i had to distract myself. i talked to him online and told him i was yelling at the tv, he thinks its funny.

i nearly missed the shuttle this morning, it was a bit late, but it showed up JUST as i got over the huge hill that i have to trek up every day. thank goodness there were people already waiting at the stop or he may have blown us by.

lets focus people

isnt it interesting when you ask people why they are voting for obama they have solid reasons based on policy, but when you ask people why they are voting for mccain they always start the sentence with "well, obama..."

make donation, get tshirt.

get political

i got my obama tshirt in the mail. i shall represent.

this whole bailout thing was handled so poorly. why didn't anyone stand up and explain it to the public? its an extreme failure of management. with all the corporations also failing, i'm a little worried about the management of everything in this country.

i cannot wait until the VP debates. i really hope palin is decimated, in the nicest way possible.

only people who don't read this will get it.

uhoh nicole
yes
i read it on his myspace
3:45
Tiffany
gmyw
3:46
uhoh nicole
what
3:46
Tiffany
give me your word?
3:46
uhoh nicole
what the eff tiff.
you expected me to get that out of gmyw?
really?
3:47
Tiffany
hahaha
sorry

1 more step in accepting myself

its so frustrating to have to work harder and fight harder than anyone else for some things. i'm not a fighter, i'm just doing what i have to do to survive. people think i am so strong, and i am starting to figure out that they are right. i never thought of myself as strong. i know now that i am. i will do anything for the people i love. i think most of the time people don't get tested on this, and i have. even though i made some mistakes, i'm proud of my mistakes. i am a better person for having made them. i'm learning to listen to, and consider advice, but make my own decisions. follow my gut. live my life. rules be damned!

the only way to get what you want is to ask

learn this lesson, please.







also, follow your gut.

the light at the end of the tunnel?

i've moved out of our house... its no longer 'our' house, its his house now... or will be after he closes on the refi on friday. i am relieved to be out, honestly. i had no idea how stressed out i was until i got out. i feel like a huge weight has lifted off my chest. i can finally breathe again.

i have this sense of amazing freedom and confidence. i am really surprised at myself, how well i've dealt with this. It may not seem like it, from my last post, but that was honestly the worst i've ever felt in my entire life, and i've come out the other side.

dexter is getting used to his new pad. and by 'getting used to it' i mean, peeing on everything. i am almost completely unpacked, the place is looking great. i love my new place.

my last painting class is tonight, i'll miss it, but i'm happy to have my wednesdays back. i might sign up for something else now, but i'm not sure.

i feel like there are so many possibilities, things to accomplish, and sleep seems like a waste of time. my birthday is in 3 weeks. i want to live the last year of my 20s to the fullest... from now on, my priority is to make myself happy, and surround myself with people who make me happy. no wasting time on jerks or losers or dumbasses. let them roll off my back.

it gets worse

i think the hardest thing is to have the rug pulled out from under you, your entire life upside down, not by some unknown stranger, or even a hated enemy, but by the person that you love the most, and you thought had your best interest in mind.

i feel like i'm in a vegetative state right now. i have no control over my feelings, except when i chant to myself inside my own head 'i don't care, i don't care, i don't care' whenever i notice something or think of something that would normally be very upsetting to me.

sometimes i just start crying when i am sitting here, not even thinking about my situation. how is that even possible? then, of course, feelings rush to the forefront and i feel like i am going to pass out. a rush of blood to the head.

last night i took a bath while he was out and i literally felt like my life was flashing before my eyes. i sort of get what people mean when they say that they had a near death experience and their life flashed before their eyes. i couldnt focus on the wall or the water or the faucet, or anything. its like a projector was behind my head, showing me specifically the last 8 years of my life, but also going back, to things that lead me to where i am now. i really can't explain it, but it was a very weird experience.

i hate that i am weepy. i've controlled it as much as i can, but i really hate it. i don't want to be one of those girls.

fill me up

i've been listening to the shins a lot lately and their music just fills me to bursting. i don't know why, they are sort of the dark horse. i never put much thought into their music, but i liked it, and usually thats a bad sign. usually it means its too fluffy or too catchy or something, without substance, but GOD i love this cd... wincing the night away. it swells with emotion, and i feel like doing something creative, or jumping up and down for a while, or turning up as loud as i can at work and lying back and letting it absorb. i feel almost drunk when it comes up in that first song, sleeping lessons, its like floating in the middle of the ocean with no boat, but completely safe.

i got a fucking awesome loungefly skull camo bag today. i ordered it a while ago and forgot about it, but it came in and i love it! i thought it would be a gym bag, but now that i'll have my laptop, it might be too small to carry inside. its sort of in between purse and gym bag sized (for me, at least, i am a huge bag whore). i love it though. its one of those things i might have stopped myself from buying before because of the skulls, but i am totally into it now. i don't really understand why a skull would be that offensive. we all have one.

i also ordered a book that came in today... something i normally would not buy, but i think it is good for me. i am very optimistic lately... not hopeful really, just optimistic. come what may, i'm ready for it.

oooh michael... somehow you always get me.

I’ve been lost inside my head,
Echoes fall off me.
I took the prize last night for complicatedness
For saying things I didn’t mean and don’t believe.

Believe in me, believe in nothing
Corner me and make me something
I’ve become the hollow man,
Have I become the hollow man I see?

Mmmmmm I see…This echoing.

You have placed your trust in me.
I went upside-down.
I emptied out the room in thirty seconds flat,
I can’t believe you held your ground.

Believe in me, believe in nothing
Corner me and make me something
I’ve become the hollow man,
Have I become the hollow man I see?

I’m overwhelmed, I’m on repeat,
I’m emptied out, I’m incomplete.
You trusted me, I want to show you
I don’t want to be the hollow man.

Believe in me, believe in nothing
Corner me and make me something
I’ve become the hollow man,
Have I become the hollow man I see?
I see…

early morning

the nagging pain from deep inside me is still there, my cough is worse. i hope i am getting better.

all this stuff has taught me a lot about myself. i will not compromise who i am. i think things are on their way, a new day has dawned, so they say.

realizations are sometimes hard to deal with, or should i say, they are always hard to deal with, because they almost always entail work, or changing something that you are comfortable with.

just call me a space cowboy. the pompitudes of love.

where disappointment and regret collide

i have thus far lost 20lbs. while the last 8 or so have been incredibly unhealthily lost in about 2 days, i am going to take it as a triumph and keep as much of it off, and continue to lose as much as i can.

i am going to be okay. don't worry about me. its not me that needs the worry, or the support right now. i have a lot of support around me. i want him to be better. healthy, happy, right.

i've come to terms with a lot of things. i am not ready to give up on him. if it takes me going away to fix him, thats what i'll do, but i can never stop caring or trying to help.

there are people out there who want to sabotage him and create chaos where there should be order. its too easy that way. i don't know if he would ever get better. i wish with all my heart for him to get better. happiness can't come without some sadness. happiness doesn't exist without its mirror. don't expect it to be easy.

work it

9lbs lost, still going strong.

get confidence, stupid

after a slightly icy drive to work with b, i was slightly unsettled. i am never sure if the iciness is directed towards me, or if it has nothing to do with me.

in years past, if i had wondered or asked if it had to do with me, he'd tell me i was crazy and to stop assuming that everything had to do with me. as if my assumption that there was a possibility of him being upset with me was entirely selfish in and of itself.

whats more unsettling than anything, is to know that there is a good probability that it is about me, and yet i can never really know for sure.

i went into the gym, and my id finally made the little swiping machine light up with 'pass' instead of some red light that meant that they had not yet put my information into the computer. it was nice to get a pass, i was accepted, no explanation necessary.

i had a great workout. i sweated like a person running from the law. i needed it. i need to get rid of all those toxins. this has been a toxic month.

my shower was quick. i had to hurry. i decided yesterday to set my alarm to 8:25, so i would know when it was absolutely necessary to abandon all vain ambition and get my clothes on and get to my office.

i made it on time to work twice in a row now. i never thought i'd be patting myself on the back for something like that.

the day so far has been productive. a little talk with b has left me feeling unsatisfied and even more unsettled. at least its not all about me, thats what i gathered from our brief talk. its not all me. not as good as having nothing to do with me, but better than being all my fault.

i am feeling bloated after having lunch. i havent eaten very much today but everything i eat leaves me feeling overstuffed.

i'd rather be back at the gym, sweating up a storm. lets just hope today goes by a bit faster.

i am not unhappy today, i'm not sure that i'm exactly happy, but not unhappy. i'm just a bit uneasy.

support for the pedicure theory is requested

its been a busy few days, but so far working out in the mornings at work has been good.

we had a big event for our office yesterday that i had to stay for, and i had plenty of energy after doing cardio in the morning.

i have had too much beer and gross food in the last few days. good beer and tasty food, but sensory overload. i need some simplicity. i need a detox.

i really just need a nap. my body is wide awake but my head is tired.

the weather is gorgeous. i don't know what it is about this sleepy spring weather that makes me want to drink. maybe its the change of seasons and the usually moodiness that comes with it. i'm not sure. its not as though i want to get toasted, although that sometimes happens when drinking, its more the mood and relaxing on a cool, clear day. its definately something i look forward to on friday nights after a long work week.

i just need to stop doing it on week nights. its too hard to get up the next day and work out. i've made it so that i don't have a choice now but to work out, so i do work out anyway, but i would rather wake up feeling a little less dried up and grossed out.

i have no idea if i've lost any weight, i havent been weighing myself because my old routine of showering and then weighing in the mornings is gone, since i don't shower at home anymore. i will have to start weighing at night, i suppose. thats hard to take, since i know i will be a few pounds heavier than whatever i am in the morning.

i need a pedicure. that is related to what i was just saying. i'll explain. you see, my scale reads body fat %, but my feet are well calloused from cheap and cute shoes. the body fat % does not read correctly through the callouses unless they are softened from being wet. thats why i always took my weight after a shower. i need a pedicure so that the callouses will be gone and i can weigh in the morning before i leave for work!

what can be done to save you

the whole 'snap out of it' tactic that i took yesterday didn't quite work as well as i would have liked. i feel better today. let me just say that alcohol + feeling sorry for oneself + resistance from the one who is closest = self destructive decisions.

i do feel better today. whats the date? its not my period. its not pms. i almost wish it was, at least i could explain it away, make it less important.

i decided not to work out today, even though i could, and maybe should, but i am going to be working out at the school gym 5 days this week and i really don't want to overdo everything.

tattoo appointment next saturday! it works out well since i have training next monday morning and probably wouldnt have time to work out anyway, so those 2 days off should be enough, i hope.

onward and upward

over and up

i had an early morning rendezvous with self-pity that has left me with less energy and vigor for the day.

i am learning more and more not to count on anyone for a sense of self-worth. it seems not to work out for me quite so well. i know so many women do it, and there are so many confident women out there, it must work for some people, but it never seems to work out for me.

i think in general in the world, people who are overweight are seen as having less value as a human being than people who are of normal weight. its becoming quite evident to me that even i sometimes judge people in this way. it makes me feel disgusting and sick of myself that i would do that, but its how the world works, i guess.

i went to the gym this morning and worked out with lara, my neighbor. she goes to a personal trainer. i needed some help with free weights, figuring out the right form, etc... and she gave me a lot of good tips. my arms are killing me now. very weak. which is a good thing.

one thing though, i don't tend to notice myself in the mirror so much when i'm at the gym. i don't know if it was just how i am feeling today, or if i generally turn a blind eye, but i felt so disgusting today. i can't think of another word for it. other words for disgusting include: abhorrent, abominable, antipathetic, contemptible, despicable, despisable, detestable, foul, infamous, loathsome, lousy, low, mean, nasty, nefarious, obnoxious, odious, repugnant, rotten, shabby, vile, wretched, atrocious, foul, horrid, nasty, nauseating, repellent, repulsive, revolting, sickening, ugly, unwholesome, vile. that about sums it up. repulsive is a good one to take away from that.

thats how i felt today.

i was getting a great workout, mind you, but i had to watch myself in a mirror the whole time to check my form. it was like a scene from a clockwork orange. my eyes were pinned open making me watch this horrible stuff so that the next time i may see it, i would be so sickened by it that i would immediately vomit.

i don't know if you can tell, but i'm feeling a bit down on myself today.

the day started out good enough, i woke up, i let the dogs out. that was pretty much the high point.

i have to learn to be happy and confident in myself. i was doing a really good job the last few days, too. this will be the moment that i snap out of it. it is 1:55pm. no more self pity by 2pm. i refuse to have yet another weekend ruined and go to work twice as tired as i was when i left it on friday. this is my mantra, and i'm sticking to it.

first day at the school gym, fungus abounds!

we were late getting up for *wink wink nudge nudge* reasons this morning. we needed to leave by 7am and we didnt get up until 6:40 or so!

i didnt need to shower, i just wanted to wet down my hair so i wouldnt have an afro at the gym, and we had to feed the dogs and get dressed and i needed to get my clothes for the day together.

we left at about 7:15. not terrible, but still thats what time i wanted to get to the gym, not leave for the gym.

b dropped me at the gym at 7:35 or so, and i put my stuff away, and did the elliptical for 30 minutes. i knew i should have stopped at 20, or even at 10, because i didnt have time, but i did it anyway. shame on me.

i showered in the communal showers (eek naked ladies) and got ready, but once i realized what time it was, i was dressed but hadnt done makeup or hair! it was 8:41, so i had to rush. i ended up getting to work at 8:53, which is 23 minutes later than i should have.

all in all, i think this is going to work out well. i'm excited about a guaranteed workout every morning. i'd actually have to try NOT to work out in order to not work out on a daily basis.

i am going to start showering in my building though, we have commuter showers here that rarely get used, but they are so much larger, cleaner, less used, and more private, which is important. that way i don't have a long sweaty walk to my building in my nice clothes with my hair and makeup all done. the only drawback is that there is no hair dryer in there, but i dont use one that often, so its not much of a drawback.

its a new step, i like it, its a committment to working out that i never would have made before.

day of rest?

i did not go to the gym today.

2 nights ago, dexter peed on our comforter for an unknown reason. i'm guessing he had to pee. we stripped the bed and we don't really have another warm comforter. we put a thin blanket on the bed and it got pretty cold in the house last night, so we were snuggling for warmth in bed.

it was too enjoyable. correction: i was enjoying the attention too much to get myself up.

i am glad for the day off though, i don't want to overextend myself to the point of injury, and i worked out twice yesterday, i think that calls for a day off.

i am seeing results, my weight isnt plummeting like it was the first few days, but my clothes are definately fitting a little looser, and i see a difference in my face and body already.

i just found out that b needs to get into work much earlier than before, so i may not be able to go to my current gym in the mornings at all. even if i take marta, i have to leave too early to get a workout and get ready for work.

the solution, i hope, is to join a gym here at school. b can drop me off early in the morning and i can work out here, shower, and head over to work. it actually sounds kind of nice. i hope it works out okay.

i am going to go over to the gym at lunch today and check it out and probably go ahead and sign up. i can also rent a locker for an entire year, which would be nice, since i have to shower here too.

do you think the people in my office will be freaked out by me walking around in a bathrobe with my hair in a towel every morning?

1 small victory, a.k.a. "there arent many lesbians at the march for prostate cancer"

i got up this morning. i did hit snooze 3 times before i finally turned the alarm off. that sounds really dangerous but by that time i was wide awake.

brian was snuggling me, and that made it very tough to get out of bed. i knew i wouldnt sleep, or if i did i would feel worse when i woke up, so i finally pulled myself out of bed and went to the gym.

i still didnt make it 100% through my cardio workout. i made it about 28 minutes though, and most of the reason that i stopped was because i was really just cooling down, and i knew that i needed to stretch, since i had just done cardio the night before.

it feels so good to have done it though, i feel more energetic and happier right now than i have in the morning in so long.

nic, the manager of the gym, makes coffee in the morning. strong coffee. i had half a cup of that on my way home, and thought about how enjoyable it is to have this extra time in my day. it really reinforced to me that mornings are what i need to focus on for regular cardio workouts.

i hope to go to the gym after work to do some lifting. i have a date with lara this weekend for her to show me some of her free weight techniques that she's learned from her trainer, so i want to lift today and then rest until saturday because i have a feeling its going to be a tough workout.

the subject is just something i thought about this morning. i bet there arent a lot of lesbians at a march for prostate cancer. there are likely some, because the exception to the rule is becoming the rule at this point in history. no point to this last paragraph at all, really.

trying hard

i was mad at myself this morning for not getting up with my alarm. i had finally figured out how to get it to have a snooze function so it wouldnt only go off once (and thus, i ignore it) but it didnt help today, i was being too lazy and did not get up.

i went to work out after work, after having a difficult discussion with no resolution, and i worked SO hard to get my workout done. i was on the verge of tears whenever i would let my mind wander too far, and about 20 minutes into it, i couldnt go any further.

it was a good workout, i was on a higher resistance than i normally try, so of course it was going to be tougher. i really need to have my mind focused when i work out. they say its a good way to deal with stress, and it is, but when the stress is so close to the tip of my tongue, so close to the edge, about to fall off, its so hard, SO hard to keep my body going. it wants to shut down, it wants to curl into a ball and hide where no one can see me until its all over.

i know i can't do that. i have to put myself out there, i have to work out, i have to do whats right for me, and us. its hard, but things that are hard are just that much more worth it. i will do it this time.

i am such a basket case right now.

more more more

i'm back on the road again.

this has really been kicking my ass.

lots of things have happened lately to derail me. things being strained in my home life, my grandmother being in the hospital (since october), and general life things. i've changed jobs, i love my new job, but the change was a definitate stress in my life.

i've found a new way of counting calories that is a little more accessible than the way i was doing it before. i am using the notepad function on my phone. even though i have to add them up myself since there is no built in calculator in the notepad, its much easier for me to grab and add something. i could probably use the tiny mental workout anyway.

i've begun my workouts again, lost 10lbs in about 3 days. gained 2lbs back, now i'm down 8. not bad for 5 days.

if you are out there, i really need some support this time. doing it on my own isn't working, and the support systems that i used to have in place are stretched quite thin right now. anyone want to help me out with a pat on the back? :)

weight rant

you know whats not fair? the fact that i feel better, my clothes fit better, and i am eating right and working out, and yet the scale isnt moving! ok, i'm being a brat b/c its only been since tuesday that i've been really amping it up as far as counting calories and working out, but still, i want to see some results. the shirt i put on today fit SO much better than it did when i bought it, less lumps and everything, and yet the scale says i weight .6lbs more today than yesterday AND my bf% is the same. jerk scale!