it gets worse

i think the hardest thing is to have the rug pulled out from under you, your entire life upside down, not by some unknown stranger, or even a hated enemy, but by the person that you love the most, and you thought had your best interest in mind.

i feel like i'm in a vegetative state right now. i have no control over my feelings, except when i chant to myself inside my own head 'i don't care, i don't care, i don't care' whenever i notice something or think of something that would normally be very upsetting to me.

sometimes i just start crying when i am sitting here, not even thinking about my situation. how is that even possible? then, of course, feelings rush to the forefront and i feel like i am going to pass out. a rush of blood to the head.

last night i took a bath while he was out and i literally felt like my life was flashing before my eyes. i sort of get what people mean when they say that they had a near death experience and their life flashed before their eyes. i couldnt focus on the wall or the water or the faucet, or anything. its like a projector was behind my head, showing me specifically the last 8 years of my life, but also going back, to things that lead me to where i am now. i really can't explain it, but it was a very weird experience.

i hate that i am weepy. i've controlled it as much as i can, but i really hate it. i don't want to be one of those girls.