work it

9lbs lost, still going strong.

get confidence, stupid

after a slightly icy drive to work with b, i was slightly unsettled. i am never sure if the iciness is directed towards me, or if it has nothing to do with me.

in years past, if i had wondered or asked if it had to do with me, he'd tell me i was crazy and to stop assuming that everything had to do with me. as if my assumption that there was a possibility of him being upset with me was entirely selfish in and of itself.

whats more unsettling than anything, is to know that there is a good probability that it is about me, and yet i can never really know for sure.

i went into the gym, and my id finally made the little swiping machine light up with 'pass' instead of some red light that meant that they had not yet put my information into the computer. it was nice to get a pass, i was accepted, no explanation necessary.

i had a great workout. i sweated like a person running from the law. i needed it. i need to get rid of all those toxins. this has been a toxic month.

my shower was quick. i had to hurry. i decided yesterday to set my alarm to 8:25, so i would know when it was absolutely necessary to abandon all vain ambition and get my clothes on and get to my office.

i made it on time to work twice in a row now. i never thought i'd be patting myself on the back for something like that.

the day so far has been productive. a little talk with b has left me feeling unsatisfied and even more unsettled. at least its not all about me, thats what i gathered from our brief talk. its not all me. not as good as having nothing to do with me, but better than being all my fault.

i am feeling bloated after having lunch. i havent eaten very much today but everything i eat leaves me feeling overstuffed.

i'd rather be back at the gym, sweating up a storm. lets just hope today goes by a bit faster.

i am not unhappy today, i'm not sure that i'm exactly happy, but not unhappy. i'm just a bit uneasy.

support for the pedicure theory is requested

its been a busy few days, but so far working out in the mornings at work has been good.

we had a big event for our office yesterday that i had to stay for, and i had plenty of energy after doing cardio in the morning.

i have had too much beer and gross food in the last few days. good beer and tasty food, but sensory overload. i need some simplicity. i need a detox.

i really just need a nap. my body is wide awake but my head is tired.

the weather is gorgeous. i don't know what it is about this sleepy spring weather that makes me want to drink. maybe its the change of seasons and the usually moodiness that comes with it. i'm not sure. its not as though i want to get toasted, although that sometimes happens when drinking, its more the mood and relaxing on a cool, clear day. its definately something i look forward to on friday nights after a long work week.

i just need to stop doing it on week nights. its too hard to get up the next day and work out. i've made it so that i don't have a choice now but to work out, so i do work out anyway, but i would rather wake up feeling a little less dried up and grossed out.

i have no idea if i've lost any weight, i havent been weighing myself because my old routine of showering and then weighing in the mornings is gone, since i don't shower at home anymore. i will have to start weighing at night, i suppose. thats hard to take, since i know i will be a few pounds heavier than whatever i am in the morning.

i need a pedicure. that is related to what i was just saying. i'll explain. you see, my scale reads body fat %, but my feet are well calloused from cheap and cute shoes. the body fat % does not read correctly through the callouses unless they are softened from being wet. thats why i always took my weight after a shower. i need a pedicure so that the callouses will be gone and i can weigh in the morning before i leave for work!

what can be done to save you

the whole 'snap out of it' tactic that i took yesterday didn't quite work as well as i would have liked. i feel better today. let me just say that alcohol + feeling sorry for oneself + resistance from the one who is closest = self destructive decisions.

i do feel better today. whats the date? its not my period. its not pms. i almost wish it was, at least i could explain it away, make it less important.

i decided not to work out today, even though i could, and maybe should, but i am going to be working out at the school gym 5 days this week and i really don't want to overdo everything.

tattoo appointment next saturday! it works out well since i have training next monday morning and probably wouldnt have time to work out anyway, so those 2 days off should be enough, i hope.

onward and upward

over and up

i had an early morning rendezvous with self-pity that has left me with less energy and vigor for the day.

i am learning more and more not to count on anyone for a sense of self-worth. it seems not to work out for me quite so well. i know so many women do it, and there are so many confident women out there, it must work for some people, but it never seems to work out for me.

i think in general in the world, people who are overweight are seen as having less value as a human being than people who are of normal weight. its becoming quite evident to me that even i sometimes judge people in this way. it makes me feel disgusting and sick of myself that i would do that, but its how the world works, i guess.

i went to the gym this morning and worked out with lara, my neighbor. she goes to a personal trainer. i needed some help with free weights, figuring out the right form, etc... and she gave me a lot of good tips. my arms are killing me now. very weak. which is a good thing.

one thing though, i don't tend to notice myself in the mirror so much when i'm at the gym. i don't know if it was just how i am feeling today, or if i generally turn a blind eye, but i felt so disgusting today. i can't think of another word for it. other words for disgusting include: abhorrent, abominable, antipathetic, contemptible, despicable, despisable, detestable, foul, infamous, loathsome, lousy, low, mean, nasty, nefarious, obnoxious, odious, repugnant, rotten, shabby, vile, wretched, atrocious, foul, horrid, nasty, nauseating, repellent, repulsive, revolting, sickening, ugly, unwholesome, vile. that about sums it up. repulsive is a good one to take away from that.

thats how i felt today.

i was getting a great workout, mind you, but i had to watch myself in a mirror the whole time to check my form. it was like a scene from a clockwork orange. my eyes were pinned open making me watch this horrible stuff so that the next time i may see it, i would be so sickened by it that i would immediately vomit.

i don't know if you can tell, but i'm feeling a bit down on myself today.

the day started out good enough, i woke up, i let the dogs out. that was pretty much the high point.

i have to learn to be happy and confident in myself. i was doing a really good job the last few days, too. this will be the moment that i snap out of it. it is 1:55pm. no more self pity by 2pm. i refuse to have yet another weekend ruined and go to work twice as tired as i was when i left it on friday. this is my mantra, and i'm sticking to it.

first day at the school gym, fungus abounds!

we were late getting up for *wink wink nudge nudge* reasons this morning. we needed to leave by 7am and we didnt get up until 6:40 or so!

i didnt need to shower, i just wanted to wet down my hair so i wouldnt have an afro at the gym, and we had to feed the dogs and get dressed and i needed to get my clothes for the day together.

we left at about 7:15. not terrible, but still thats what time i wanted to get to the gym, not leave for the gym.

b dropped me at the gym at 7:35 or so, and i put my stuff away, and did the elliptical for 30 minutes. i knew i should have stopped at 20, or even at 10, because i didnt have time, but i did it anyway. shame on me.

i showered in the communal showers (eek naked ladies) and got ready, but once i realized what time it was, i was dressed but hadnt done makeup or hair! it was 8:41, so i had to rush. i ended up getting to work at 8:53, which is 23 minutes later than i should have.

all in all, i think this is going to work out well. i'm excited about a guaranteed workout every morning. i'd actually have to try NOT to work out in order to not work out on a daily basis.

i am going to start showering in my building though, we have commuter showers here that rarely get used, but they are so much larger, cleaner, less used, and more private, which is important. that way i don't have a long sweaty walk to my building in my nice clothes with my hair and makeup all done. the only drawback is that there is no hair dryer in there, but i dont use one that often, so its not much of a drawback.

its a new step, i like it, its a committment to working out that i never would have made before.

day of rest?

i did not go to the gym today.

2 nights ago, dexter peed on our comforter for an unknown reason. i'm guessing he had to pee. we stripped the bed and we don't really have another warm comforter. we put a thin blanket on the bed and it got pretty cold in the house last night, so we were snuggling for warmth in bed.

it was too enjoyable. correction: i was enjoying the attention too much to get myself up.

i am glad for the day off though, i don't want to overextend myself to the point of injury, and i worked out twice yesterday, i think that calls for a day off.

i am seeing results, my weight isnt plummeting like it was the first few days, but my clothes are definately fitting a little looser, and i see a difference in my face and body already.

i just found out that b needs to get into work much earlier than before, so i may not be able to go to my current gym in the mornings at all. even if i take marta, i have to leave too early to get a workout and get ready for work.

the solution, i hope, is to join a gym here at school. b can drop me off early in the morning and i can work out here, shower, and head over to work. it actually sounds kind of nice. i hope it works out okay.

i am going to go over to the gym at lunch today and check it out and probably go ahead and sign up. i can also rent a locker for an entire year, which would be nice, since i have to shower here too.

do you think the people in my office will be freaked out by me walking around in a bathrobe with my hair in a towel every morning?

1 small victory, a.k.a. "there arent many lesbians at the march for prostate cancer"

i got up this morning. i did hit snooze 3 times before i finally turned the alarm off. that sounds really dangerous but by that time i was wide awake.

brian was snuggling me, and that made it very tough to get out of bed. i knew i wouldnt sleep, or if i did i would feel worse when i woke up, so i finally pulled myself out of bed and went to the gym.

i still didnt make it 100% through my cardio workout. i made it about 28 minutes though, and most of the reason that i stopped was because i was really just cooling down, and i knew that i needed to stretch, since i had just done cardio the night before.

it feels so good to have done it though, i feel more energetic and happier right now than i have in the morning in so long.

nic, the manager of the gym, makes coffee in the morning. strong coffee. i had half a cup of that on my way home, and thought about how enjoyable it is to have this extra time in my day. it really reinforced to me that mornings are what i need to focus on for regular cardio workouts.

i hope to go to the gym after work to do some lifting. i have a date with lara this weekend for her to show me some of her free weight techniques that she's learned from her trainer, so i want to lift today and then rest until saturday because i have a feeling its going to be a tough workout.

the subject is just something i thought about this morning. i bet there arent a lot of lesbians at a march for prostate cancer. there are likely some, because the exception to the rule is becoming the rule at this point in history. no point to this last paragraph at all, really.

trying hard

i was mad at myself this morning for not getting up with my alarm. i had finally figured out how to get it to have a snooze function so it wouldnt only go off once (and thus, i ignore it) but it didnt help today, i was being too lazy and did not get up.

i went to work out after work, after having a difficult discussion with no resolution, and i worked SO hard to get my workout done. i was on the verge of tears whenever i would let my mind wander too far, and about 20 minutes into it, i couldnt go any further.

it was a good workout, i was on a higher resistance than i normally try, so of course it was going to be tougher. i really need to have my mind focused when i work out. they say its a good way to deal with stress, and it is, but when the stress is so close to the tip of my tongue, so close to the edge, about to fall off, its so hard, SO hard to keep my body going. it wants to shut down, it wants to curl into a ball and hide where no one can see me until its all over.

i know i can't do that. i have to put myself out there, i have to work out, i have to do whats right for me, and us. its hard, but things that are hard are just that much more worth it. i will do it this time.

i am such a basket case right now.

more more more

i'm back on the road again.

this has really been kicking my ass.

lots of things have happened lately to derail me. things being strained in my home life, my grandmother being in the hospital (since october), and general life things. i've changed jobs, i love my new job, but the change was a definitate stress in my life.

i've found a new way of counting calories that is a little more accessible than the way i was doing it before. i am using the notepad function on my phone. even though i have to add them up myself since there is no built in calculator in the notepad, its much easier for me to grab and add something. i could probably use the tiny mental workout anyway.

i've begun my workouts again, lost 10lbs in about 3 days. gained 2lbs back, now i'm down 8. not bad for 5 days.

if you are out there, i really need some support this time. doing it on my own isn't working, and the support systems that i used to have in place are stretched quite thin right now. anyone want to help me out with a pat on the back? :)