over and up

i had an early morning rendezvous with self-pity that has left me with less energy and vigor for the day.

i am learning more and more not to count on anyone for a sense of self-worth. it seems not to work out for me quite so well. i know so many women do it, and there are so many confident women out there, it must work for some people, but it never seems to work out for me.

i think in general in the world, people who are overweight are seen as having less value as a human being than people who are of normal weight. its becoming quite evident to me that even i sometimes judge people in this way. it makes me feel disgusting and sick of myself that i would do that, but its how the world works, i guess.

i went to the gym this morning and worked out with lara, my neighbor. she goes to a personal trainer. i needed some help with free weights, figuring out the right form, etc... and she gave me a lot of good tips. my arms are killing me now. very weak. which is a good thing.

one thing though, i don't tend to notice myself in the mirror so much when i'm at the gym. i don't know if it was just how i am feeling today, or if i generally turn a blind eye, but i felt so disgusting today. i can't think of another word for it. other words for disgusting include: abhorrent, abominable, antipathetic, contemptible, despicable, despisable, detestable, foul, infamous, loathsome, lousy, low, mean, nasty, nefarious, obnoxious, odious, repugnant, rotten, shabby, vile, wretched, atrocious, foul, horrid, nasty, nauseating, repellent, repulsive, revolting, sickening, ugly, unwholesome, vile. that about sums it up. repulsive is a good one to take away from that.

thats how i felt today.

i was getting a great workout, mind you, but i had to watch myself in a mirror the whole time to check my form. it was like a scene from a clockwork orange. my eyes were pinned open making me watch this horrible stuff so that the next time i may see it, i would be so sickened by it that i would immediately vomit.

i don't know if you can tell, but i'm feeling a bit down on myself today.

the day started out good enough, i woke up, i let the dogs out. that was pretty much the high point.

i have to learn to be happy and confident in myself. i was doing a really good job the last few days, too. this will be the moment that i snap out of it. it is 1:55pm. no more self pity by 2pm. i refuse to have yet another weekend ruined and go to work twice as tired as i was when i left it on friday. this is my mantra, and i'm sticking to it.