get confidence, stupid

after a slightly icy drive to work with b, i was slightly unsettled. i am never sure if the iciness is directed towards me, or if it has nothing to do with me.

in years past, if i had wondered or asked if it had to do with me, he'd tell me i was crazy and to stop assuming that everything had to do with me. as if my assumption that there was a possibility of him being upset with me was entirely selfish in and of itself.

whats more unsettling than anything, is to know that there is a good probability that it is about me, and yet i can never really know for sure.

i went into the gym, and my id finally made the little swiping machine light up with 'pass' instead of some red light that meant that they had not yet put my information into the computer. it was nice to get a pass, i was accepted, no explanation necessary.

i had a great workout. i sweated like a person running from the law. i needed it. i need to get rid of all those toxins. this has been a toxic month.

my shower was quick. i had to hurry. i decided yesterday to set my alarm to 8:25, so i would know when it was absolutely necessary to abandon all vain ambition and get my clothes on and get to my office.

i made it on time to work twice in a row now. i never thought i'd be patting myself on the back for something like that.

the day so far has been productive. a little talk with b has left me feeling unsatisfied and even more unsettled. at least its not all about me, thats what i gathered from our brief talk. its not all me. not as good as having nothing to do with me, but better than being all my fault.

i am feeling bloated after having lunch. i havent eaten very much today but everything i eat leaves me feeling overstuffed.

i'd rather be back at the gym, sweating up a storm. lets just hope today goes by a bit faster.

i am not unhappy today, i'm not sure that i'm exactly happy, but not unhappy. i'm just a bit uneasy.