struggle to do something

do it

2010-02-25T07:04:00.001-08:00

http://www.formspring.me/tiffanyasapun

recommendation

2010-02-24T06:58:00.001-08:00

joanna newsom is so weird and good. it'll take you a minute, but you should give it at least 2.

its not fair

2010-02-17T07:23:00.001-08:00

So Fast, So Numb
From: New Adventures In Hi-Fi

you're moving through rough waters,
motor boy,
and swimming in your sleep.
how could I be so blind, mis-sighted,
not to see there's something wounded deep.
anyone could scratch your surface now,
it's all amphetamine
you're blasting yourself into the present
to blur some past indignity, say that,

you say that
you hate it.
you want to re-create it

I've been around, I've been your lover.
I let it go, kill devil hills.
you're coming onto something so fast, so numb
that you can't even feel.

you're drinking raw adrenal baby,
and dosey dosey doe.
You're eating cartilage. shark-eyes. shark-heart.
all present tense.
boy, your blood is running cold.
listen. this is now. this is here.
this is me. this is what I wanted
you to see.
that was then. that was that.
that is gone. that is past.
you cast yourself, cast.
passed by, thrown down fast. you say.

you say that
you hate it.
but you want to recreate it.

I've played this round, I've played your lover.
I've played it out and to the hilt.
you're coming onto something so fast, so numb
that you can't even feel.

you love it.
you hate it.
you want to re-create it.
now this is here. this is me.
this is what I wanted
you to see.
that was then. that was that.
that is gone. that is what
I wanted you to feel.

you love it.
you hate it.
I'm spitting out the bitter pill.

I've been around, I've been your lover
I let it go, kill devil hills.
you're coming onto something so fast, so numb
that you can't even feel.

I've played this round, I've played your lover.
I've played it out and to the hilt.
you're coming onto something so fast, so numb
that you can't even feel.

you've played around, you played me lover.
I let it go, kill devil hills.
you're moving so hard, so fast, so numb
that you can't even feel.

(Berry/Buck/Mills/Stipe)

2009-10-14T19:49:00.000-07:00

How do I,
Get through the night without you?
If I had to live without you,
What kind of life would that be?
Oh, I
I need you in my arms, need you to hold,
You're my world, my heart, my soul,
If you ever leave,
Baby you would take away everything good in my life,

And tell me now
How do I live without you?
I want to know,
How do I breathe without you?
If you ever go,
How do I ever, ever survive?
How do I, how do I, oh how do I live?

Without you,
There'd be no sun in my sky,
There would be no love in my life,
There'd be no world left for me.
And I,
Baby I don't know what I would do,
I'd be lost if I lost you,
If you ever leave,
Baby you would take away everything real in my life,

And tell me now,
How do I live without you?
I want to know,
How do I breathe without you?
If you ever go,
How do I ever, ever survive?
How do I, how do I, oh how do I live?

Please tell me baby,
How do I go on?

If you ever leave,
Baby you would take away everything,
I need you with me,
Baby don't you know that you're everything,
Real in my life?

And tell me now,
How do I live without you,
I want to know,
How do I breathe without you?
If you ever go,
How do I ever, ever survive?
How do I, how do I, oh how do I live?

How do I live without you?

How do I live without you baby?

its okay to cry

2009-07-30T06:35:00.000-07:00

you know whats disturbing? every pink song i hear on the radio makes me cry.

i'm not even a pink fan but all her newest songs have been about her divorce and i know exactly what she is saying in each of them. i know the devastation that she probably felt while writing these songs. i don't even get how she can perform them because i know i'd break down every time. maybe thats just how she deals with her pain, singing about it, writing about it? i don't know.

i do know that now i understand how actors and actresses can call up tears on demand, because at this point i think i could do that. i just have to go to a certain place, and there will be tears. someone once told me that actors sort of 'collect' these things. the sad things, or the things that will put them in some deep emotional place. the same person told me that you know you are an actor when your beloved pet dies, and somewhere in the back of your mind you are thinking that this will help you in your acting at some point down the line. i don't know if i went that far, i am just now thinking about it and its been a year since all of this started. more than a year now.

i'm learning that i can be 'ok', i mean, really 'okay' and still be able to cry when something makes me emotional. its not a mental breakdown, its just my life.

why do my nails grow faster on my right hand than my left?

2009-07-06T06:25:00.000-07:00

i guess i never noticed because i've been biting my nails since i was a little kid. someone has suggested a radioactive nightstand, but i believe thats not quite it. perhaps its blood flow? i'm right handed so the muscles get used more....

does anyone have any ideas? feel free to post them publicly or email me.

2009-06-14T13:39:00.000-07:00

i'm a horrible blogger. someone should slap me around.

postcard pinup show - MINT Gallery

2008-12-16T11:04:00.001-08:00

sorry MINT for not selling any art at your show... I hope you made some money!

here are my offerings:

2008-11-21T06:29:00.000-08:00

some progress on my stuff for the show. bad picture, i know, but i wanted to take one quickly.

in other news, 10lbs lost! what what? yes!

2008-11-19T09:17:00.000-08:00

I got started working on the artwork for the show over the weekend.

I know you can't see a lot in that picture, but it just shows that I'm making progress! I had a little fit of inspiration.

In other news... I've lost 9lbs! If I can lose 1 more before thanksgiving, I would be really happy. I've been sick and unable to go to the gym, so I am hoping I have more energy tomorrow so I can go. I'm trying to keep my metabolism revved up.

step 1

2008-11-13T19:39:00.000-08:00

so, the other day i went to this huge awesome art supply store in buckhead (yes, blech, buckhead, but it could not be avoided this time)

anyway i went to binders and it was awesome. i got my illustration board and some stuff to cut it with, and a new paint brush.

i cut the little 4x6 boards tonight, and my fricken hands are so sore. it is really tough to cut that stuff with an xacto knife.

so step 1, cut the boards into the right size. finished.

now i have a bunch of ideas floating around in my head, sorta materializing. i really want to wait until i have a few hours at once to get into the real work, at least for the start of it, hopefully this weekend i can get them started.

i really want to experiment with textures and things raised off the surface. i think because these are soooo tiny, it would be really interesting to have something with a TON of stuff going on, and lots of texture and color, in a really small amount of space.

i am going to have to use untraditional materials to create the texture though, the last few i've done have used up GOBS of paint to create the texture, and it'd probably be more frugal to use other things. any ideas or contributions are appreciated.

holy hell

2008-11-10T08:42:00.000-08:00

so, i've been invited to submit some work for the Mint Gallery's postcard pinup show! (invited meaning i emailed them about it and they told me to come on down, not that i was discovered by andy warhol's 2nd cousin or anything)

i'm really excited!! and terrified!! i need to submit 4, 4"x6" postcards. now i need ideas. and the postcard-sized paper or canvas to paint on. !!!

!!!

on to something completely different...

2008-11-07T07:45:00.000-08:00

so now that obama has become the president-elect, i have to find something else to be obsessive over. i think its going to be my painting. i've talked to reps from 2 different group shows that are opening in december and i might be participating! they are both for charity so it would be a nice thing to do before christmas anyway, but i would be honored just to have my artwork up in a show, regardless of whether i sold anything or not. however, it would be awesome to be able to make enough money to continue to do art without having to dip into savings or anything. anyone who has ever painted will tell you, supplies are expensive!

a friend of mine uses the money he makes from his artwork for supplies and new tattoos. i don't know how much he makes from it but i think its a decent buck. it would be awesome to have a little income from it. even more amazing to be able to make a living at it, but i don't have those kind of delusions of grandeur. for now i'm just painting for the fun and catharsis of it. but i am really liking my style that is sort of taking shape. my very first piece was just the trolley for the front of our house. its not artistic really in any way but its pretty. the difference between that and my current work is crazy, and that was only a year ago.

i don't even know if these people are going to like my style and allow me to join in the show, but it would be amazing if they did. my style is definitely not the norm in hipstery atlanta right now, so who knows.

congratulations mr. president

2008-11-06T06:52:00.001-08:00

yes we can

election day... too much stress

2008-11-04T11:42:00.000-08:00

so, instead, distract yourself by looking at these websites:

sit or squat?
hulu
super obama world!

i'll be on edge all day, but i am really excited and can only hope for the best!

i really didnt want to have to move out of the country... being an ex-patriot is tough.

day 10! the end!

2008-10-30T05:50:00.000-07:00

i am finished! i feel like i can do anything now!

during these 10 days, i've lost 7lbs, but i've definitely gained confidence that if i put my mind to something, i can do it. everyone who i talk to about this says 'oh my gosh, i could never do that' but its not true, anyone could, its just how determined you are to do it.

it makes me want to do a million things, i want to paint, i want to run, i want to bike, i want to travel... it just gives me so much strength in myself that i can do what i want and not worry about what other people think.

i am going to start saving up for that trip to europe now! :) and for a new wardrobe since i'll be much smaller by the time i go.

a little crazy?

2008-10-16T06:05:00.001-07:00

neither the sticker or the button that i ordered almost a month ago ever showed up. i am wondering if someone is stealing my mail. my very italian landlords don't seem like the type, but they could be very republican. i can't tell. they might not have even known what the package was though, so they probably would have ignored it.

so, i took action and spent my last 12 dollars at barackobama.com and ordered a couple of buttons and a car magnet. lets hope those actually come in the mail.

last night i watched the debate alone b/c b was too tired to come over, but i felt a little crazier yelling at the tv with no one around, so i had to distract myself. i talked to him online and told him i was yelling at the tv, he thinks its funny.

i nearly missed the shuttle this morning, it was a bit late, but it showed up JUST as i got over the huge hill that i have to trek up every day. thank goodness there were people already waiting at the stop or he may have blown us by.

lets focus people

2008-10-16T05:48:00.001-07:00

isnt it interesting when you ask people why they are voting for obama they have solid reasons based on policy, but when you ask people why they are voting for mccain they always start the sentence with "well, obama..."

make donation, get tshirt.

2008-09-30T07:33:00.000-07:00

get political

2008-09-30T06:01:00.000-07:00

i got my obama tshirt in the mail. i shall represent.

this whole bailout thing was handled so poorly. why didn't anyone stand up and explain it to the public? its an extreme failure of management. with all the corporations also failing, i'm a little worried about the management of everything in this country.

i cannot wait until the VP debates. i really hope palin is decimated, in the nicest way possible.

only people who don't read this will get it.

2008-08-27T12:48:00.001-07:00

uhoh nicole
yes
i read it on his myspace
3:45
Tiffany
gmyw
3:46
uhoh nicole
what
3:46
Tiffany
give me your word?
3:46
uhoh nicole
what the eff tiff.
you expected me to get that out of gmyw?
really?
3:47
Tiffany
hahaha
sorry

1 more step in accepting myself

2008-08-21T18:41:00.001-07:00

its so frustrating to have to work harder and fight harder than anyone else for some things. i'm not a fighter, i'm just doing what i have to do to survive. people think i am so strong, and i am starting to figure out that they are right. i never thought of myself as strong. i know now that i am. i will do anything for the people i love. i think most of the time people don't get tested on this, and i have. even though i made some mistakes, i'm proud of my mistakes. i am a better person for having made them. i'm learning to listen to, and consider advice, but make my own decisions. follow my gut. live my life. rules be damned!

the only way to get what you want is to ask

2008-08-19T06:01:00.000-07:00

learn this lesson, please.

also, follow your gut.

the light at the end of the tunnel?

2008-08-13T16:04:00.000-07:00

i've moved out of our house... its no longer 'our' house, its his house now... or will be after he closes on the refi on friday. i am relieved to be out, honestly. i had no idea how stressed out i was until i got out. i feel like a huge weight has lifted off my chest. i can finally breathe again.

i have this sense of amazing freedom and confidence. i am really surprised at myself, how well i've dealt with this. It may not seem like it, from my last post, but that was honestly the worst i've ever felt in my entire life, and i've come out the other side.

dexter is getting used to his new pad. and by 'getting used to it' i mean, peeing on everything. i am almost completely unpacked, the place is looking great. i love my new place.

my last painting class is tonight, i'll miss it, but i'm happy to have my wednesdays back. i might sign up for something else now, but i'm not sure.

i feel like there are so many possibilities, things to accomplish, and sleep seems like a waste of time. my birthday is in 3 weeks. i want to live the last year of my 20s to the fullest... from now on, my priority is to make myself happy, and surround myself with people who make me happy. no wasting time on jerks or losers or dumbasses. let them roll off my back.

it gets worse

2008-07-16T05:16:00.000-07:00

i think the hardest thing is to have the rug pulled out from under you, your entire life upside down, not by some unknown stranger, or even a hated enemy, but by the person that you love the most, and you thought had your best interest in mind.

i feel like i'm in a vegetative state right now. i have no control over my feelings, except when i chant to myself inside my own head 'i don't care, i don't care, i don't care' whenever i notice something or think of something that would normally be very upsetting to me.

sometimes i just start crying when i am sitting here, not even thinking about my situation. how is that even possible? then, of course, feelings rush to the forefront and i feel like i am going to pass out. a rush of blood to the head.

last night i took a bath while he was out and i literally felt like my life was flashing before my eyes. i sort of get what people mean when they say that they had a near death experience and their life flashed before their eyes. i couldnt focus on the wall or the water or the faucet, or anything. its like a projector was behind my head, showing me specifically the last 8 years of my life, but also going back, to things that lead me to where i am now. i really can't explain it, but it was a very weird experience.

i hate that i am weepy. i've controlled it as much as i can, but i really hate it. i don't want to be one of those girls.

fill me up

2008-06-06T11:05:00.000-07:00

i've been listening to the shins a lot lately and their music just fills me to bursting. i don't know why, they are sort of the dark horse. i never put much thought into their music, but i liked it, and usually thats a bad sign. usually it means its too fluffy or too catchy or something, without substance, but GOD i love this cd... wincing the night away. it swells with emotion, and i feel like doing something creative, or jumping up and down for a while, or turning up as loud as i can at work and lying back and letting it absorb. i feel almost drunk when it comes up in that first song, sleeping lessons, its like floating in the middle of the ocean with no boat, but completely safe.

i got a fucking awesome loungefly skull camo bag today. i ordered it a while ago and forgot about it, but it came in and i love it! i thought it would be a gym bag, but now that i'll have my laptop, it might be too small to carry inside. its sort of in between purse and gym bag sized (for me, at least, i am a huge bag whore). i love it though. its one of those things i might have stopped myself from buying before because of the skulls, but i am totally into it now. i don't really understand why a skull would be that offensive. we all have one.

i also ordered a book that came in today... something i normally would not buy, but i think it is good for me. i am very optimistic lately... not hopeful really, just optimistic. come what may, i'm ready for it.

oooh michael... somehow you always get me.

2008-06-03T07:19:00.000-07:00

I’ve been lost inside my head,
Echoes fall off me.
I took the prize last night for complicatedness
For saying things I didn’t mean and don’t believe.

Believe in me, believe in nothing
Corner me and make me something
I’ve become the hollow man,
Have I become the hollow man I see?

Mmmmmm I see…This echoing.

You have placed your trust in me.
I went upside-down.
I emptied out the room in thirty seconds flat,
I can’t believe you held your ground.

Believe in me, believe in nothing
Corner me and make me something
I’ve become the hollow man,
Have I become the hollow man I see?

I’m overwhelmed, I’m on repeat,
I’m emptied out, I’m incomplete.
You trusted me, I want to show you
I don’t want to be the hollow man.

Believe in me, believe in nothing
Corner me and make me something
I’ve become the hollow man,
Have I become the hollow man I see?
I see…

early morning

2008-05-19T05:46:00.001-07:00

the nagging pain from deep inside me is still there, my cough is worse. i hope i am getting better.

all this stuff has taught me a lot about myself. i will not compromise who i am. i think things are on their way, a new day has dawned, so they say.

realizations are sometimes hard to deal with, or should i say, they are always hard to deal with, because they almost always entail work, or changing something that you are comfortable with.

just call me a space cowboy. the pompitudes of love.

where disappointment and regret collide

2008-05-18T18:55:00.000-07:00

i have thus far lost 20lbs. while the last 8 or so have been incredibly unhealthily lost in about 2 days, i am going to take it as a triumph and keep as much of it off, and continue to lose as much as i can.

i am going to be okay. don't worry about me. its not me that needs the worry, or the support right now. i have a lot of support around me. i want him to be better. healthy, happy, right.

i've come to terms with a lot of things. i am not ready to give up on him. if it takes me going away to fix him, thats what i'll do, but i can never stop caring or trying to help.

there are people out there who want to sabotage him and create chaos where there should be order. its too easy that way. i don't know if he would ever get better. i wish with all my heart for him to get better. happiness can't come without some sadness. happiness doesn't exist without its mirror. don't expect it to be easy.

work it

2008-04-30T06:05:00.000-07:00

9lbs lost, still going strong.

get confidence, stupid

2008-04-23T10:18:00.000-07:00

after a slightly icy drive to work with b, i was slightly unsettled. i am never sure if the iciness is directed towards me, or if it has nothing to do with me.

in years past, if i had wondered or asked if it had to do with me, he'd tell me i was crazy and to stop assuming that everything had to do with me. as if my assumption that there was a possibility of him being upset with me was entirely selfish in and of itself.

whats more unsettling than anything, is to know that there is a good probability that it is about me, and yet i can never really know for sure.

i went into the gym, and my id finally made the little swiping machine light up with 'pass' instead of some red light that meant that they had not yet put my information into the computer. it was nice to get a pass, i was accepted, no explanation necessary.

i had a great workout. i sweated like a person running from the law. i needed it. i need to get rid of all those toxins. this has been a toxic month.

my shower was quick. i had to hurry. i decided yesterday to set my alarm to 8:25, so i would know when it was absolutely necessary to abandon all vain ambition and get my clothes on and get to my office.

i made it on time to work twice in a row now. i never thought i'd be patting myself on the back for something like that.

the day so far has been productive. a little talk with b has left me feeling unsatisfied and even more unsettled. at least its not all about me, thats what i gathered from our brief talk. its not all me. not as good as having nothing to do with me, but better than being all my fault.

i am feeling bloated after having lunch. i havent eaten very much today but everything i eat leaves me feeling overstuffed.

i'd rather be back at the gym, sweating up a storm. lets just hope today goes by a bit faster.

i am not unhappy today, i'm not sure that i'm exactly happy, but not unhappy. i'm just a bit uneasy.

support for the pedicure theory is requested

2008-04-22T13:01:00.000-07:00

its been a busy few days, but so far working out in the mornings at work has been good.

we had a big event for our office yesterday that i had to stay for, and i had plenty of energy after doing cardio in the morning.

i have had too much beer and gross food in the last few days. good beer and tasty food, but sensory overload. i need some simplicity. i need a detox.

i really just need a nap. my body is wide awake but my head is tired.

the weather is gorgeous. i don't know what it is about this sleepy spring weather that makes me want to drink. maybe its the change of seasons and the usually moodiness that comes with it. i'm not sure. its not as though i want to get toasted, although that sometimes happens when drinking, its more the mood and relaxing on a cool, clear day. its definately something i look forward to on friday nights after a long work week.

i just need to stop doing it on week nights. its too hard to get up the next day and work out. i've made it so that i don't have a choice now but to work out, so i do work out anyway, but i would rather wake up feeling a little less dried up and grossed out.

i have no idea if i've lost any weight, i havent been weighing myself because my old routine of showering and then weighing in the mornings is gone, since i don't shower at home anymore. i will have to start weighing at night, i suppose. thats hard to take, since i know i will be a few pounds heavier than whatever i am in the morning.

i need a pedicure. that is related to what i was just saying. i'll explain. you see, my scale reads body fat %, but my feet are well calloused from cheap and cute shoes. the body fat % does not read correctly through the callouses unless they are softened from being wet. thats why i always took my weight after a shower. i need a pedicure so that the callouses will be gone and i can weigh in the morning before i leave for work!

what can be done to save you

2008-04-20T10:36:00.001-07:00

the whole 'snap out of it' tactic that i took yesterday didn't quite work as well as i would have liked. i feel better today. let me just say that alcohol + feeling sorry for oneself + resistance from the one who is closest = self destructive decisions.

i do feel better today. whats the date? its not my period. its not pms. i almost wish it was, at least i could explain it away, make it less important.

i decided not to work out today, even though i could, and maybe should, but i am going to be working out at the school gym 5 days this week and i really don't want to overdo everything.

tattoo appointment next saturday! it works out well since i have training next monday morning and probably wouldnt have time to work out anyway, so those 2 days off should be enough, i hope.

onward and upward

over and up

2008-04-19T10:46:00.000-07:00

i had an early morning rendezvous with self-pity that has left me with less energy and vigor for the day.

i am learning more and more not to count on anyone for a sense of self-worth. it seems not to work out for me quite so well. i know so many women do it, and there are so many confident women out there, it must work for some people, but it never seems to work out for me.

i think in general in the world, people who are overweight are seen as having less value as a human being than people who are of normal weight. its becoming quite evident to me that even i sometimes judge people in this way. it makes me feel disgusting and sick of myself that i would do that, but its how the world works, i guess.

i went to the gym this morning and worked out with lara, my neighbor. she goes to a personal trainer. i needed some help with free weights, figuring out the right form, etc... and she gave me a lot of good tips. my arms are killing me now. very weak. which is a good thing.

one thing though, i don't tend to notice myself in the mirror so much when i'm at the gym. i don't know if it was just how i am feeling today, or if i generally turn a blind eye, but i felt so disgusting today. i can't think of another word for it. other words for disgusting include: abhorrent, abominable, antipathetic, contemptible, despicable, despisable, detestable, foul, infamous, loathsome, lousy, low, mean, nasty, nefarious, obnoxious, odious, repugnant, rotten, shabby, vile, wretched, atrocious, foul, horrid, nasty, nauseating, repellent, repulsive, revolting, sickening, ugly, unwholesome, vile. that about sums it up. repulsive is a good one to take away from that.

thats how i felt today.

i was getting a great workout, mind you, but i had to watch myself in a mirror the whole time to check my form. it was like a scene from a clockwork orange. my eyes were pinned open making me watch this horrible stuff so that the next time i may see it, i would be so sickened by it that i would immediately vomit.

i don't know if you can tell, but i'm feeling a bit down on myself today.

the day started out good enough, i woke up, i let the dogs out. that was pretty much the high point.

i have to learn to be happy and confident in myself. i was doing a really good job the last few days, too. this will be the moment that i snap out of it. it is 1:55pm. no more self pity by 2pm. i refuse to have yet another weekend ruined and go to work twice as tired as i was when i left it on friday. this is my mantra, and i'm sticking to it.

first day at the school gym, fungus abounds!

2008-04-18T09:37:00.000-07:00

we were late getting up for *wink wink nudge nudge* reasons this morning. we needed to leave by 7am and we didnt get up until 6:40 or so!

i didnt need to shower, i just wanted to wet down my hair so i wouldnt have an afro at the gym, and we had to feed the dogs and get dressed and i needed to get my clothes for the day together.

we left at about 7:15. not terrible, but still thats what time i wanted to get to the gym, not leave for the gym.

b dropped me at the gym at 7:35 or so, and i put my stuff away, and did the elliptical for 30 minutes. i knew i should have stopped at 20, or even at 10, because i didnt have time, but i did it anyway. shame on me.

i showered in the communal showers (eek naked ladies) and got ready, but once i realized what time it was, i was dressed but hadnt done makeup or hair! it was 8:41, so i had to rush. i ended up getting to work at 8:53, which is 23 minutes later than i should have.

all in all, i think this is going to work out well. i'm excited about a guaranteed workout every morning. i'd actually have to try NOT to work out in order to not work out on a daily basis.

i am going to start showering in my building though, we have commuter showers here that rarely get used, but they are so much larger, cleaner, less used, and more private, which is important. that way i don't have a long sweaty walk to my building in my nice clothes with my hair and makeup all done. the only drawback is that there is no hair dryer in there, but i dont use one that often, so its not much of a drawback.

its a new step, i like it, its a committment to working out that i never would have made before.

day of rest?

2008-04-17T06:40:00.000-07:00

i did not go to the gym today.

2 nights ago, dexter peed on our comforter for an unknown reason. i'm guessing he had to pee. we stripped the bed and we don't really have another warm comforter. we put a thin blanket on the bed and it got pretty cold in the house last night, so we were snuggling for warmth in bed.

it was too enjoyable. correction: i was enjoying the attention too much to get myself up.

i am glad for the day off though, i don't want to overextend myself to the point of injury, and i worked out twice yesterday, i think that calls for a day off.

i am seeing results, my weight isnt plummeting like it was the first few days, but my clothes are definately fitting a little looser, and i see a difference in my face and body already.

i just found out that b needs to get into work much earlier than before, so i may not be able to go to my current gym in the mornings at all. even if i take marta, i have to leave too early to get a workout and get ready for work.

the solution, i hope, is to join a gym here at school. b can drop me off early in the morning and i can work out here, shower, and head over to work. it actually sounds kind of nice. i hope it works out okay.

i am going to go over to the gym at lunch today and check it out and probably go ahead and sign up. i can also rent a locker for an entire year, which would be nice, since i have to shower here too.

do you think the people in my office will be freaked out by me walking around in a bathrobe with my hair in a towel every morning?

1 small victory, a.k.a. "there arent many lesbians at the march for prostate cancer"

2008-04-16T05:46:00.001-07:00

i got up this morning. i did hit snooze 3 times before i finally turned the alarm off. that sounds really dangerous but by that time i was wide awake.

brian was snuggling me, and that made it very tough to get out of bed. i knew i wouldnt sleep, or if i did i would feel worse when i woke up, so i finally pulled myself out of bed and went to the gym.

i still didnt make it 100% through my cardio workout. i made it about 28 minutes though, and most of the reason that i stopped was because i was really just cooling down, and i knew that i needed to stretch, since i had just done cardio the night before.

it feels so good to have done it though, i feel more energetic and happier right now than i have in the morning in so long.

nic, the manager of the gym, makes coffee in the morning. strong coffee. i had half a cup of that on my way home, and thought about how enjoyable it is to have this extra time in my day. it really reinforced to me that mornings are what i need to focus on for regular cardio workouts.

i hope to go to the gym after work to do some lifting. i have a date with lara this weekend for her to show me some of her free weight techniques that she's learned from her trainer, so i want to lift today and then rest until saturday because i have a feeling its going to be a tough workout.

the subject is just something i thought about this morning. i bet there arent a lot of lesbians at a march for prostate cancer. there are likely some, because the exception to the rule is becoming the rule at this point in history. no point to this last paragraph at all, really.

trying hard

2008-04-15T18:50:00.000-07:00

i was mad at myself this morning for not getting up with my alarm. i had finally figured out how to get it to have a snooze function so it wouldnt only go off once (and thus, i ignore it) but it didnt help today, i was being too lazy and did not get up.

i went to work out after work, after having a difficult discussion with no resolution, and i worked SO hard to get my workout done. i was on the verge of tears whenever i would let my mind wander too far, and about 20 minutes into it, i couldnt go any further.

it was a good workout, i was on a higher resistance than i normally try, so of course it was going to be tougher. i really need to have my mind focused when i work out. they say its a good way to deal with stress, and it is, but when the stress is so close to the tip of my tongue, so close to the edge, about to fall off, its so hard, SO hard to keep my body going. it wants to shut down, it wants to curl into a ball and hide where no one can see me until its all over.

i know i can't do that. i have to put myself out there, i have to work out, i have to do whats right for me, and us. its hard, but things that are hard are just that much more worth it. i will do it this time.

i am such a basket case right now.

more more more

2008-04-15T10:13:00.000-07:00

i'm back on the road again.

this has really been kicking my ass.

lots of things have happened lately to derail me. things being strained in my home life, my grandmother being in the hospital (since october), and general life things. i've changed jobs, i love my new job, but the change was a definitate stress in my life.

i've found a new way of counting calories that is a little more accessible than the way i was doing it before. i am using the notepad function on my phone. even though i have to add them up myself since there is no built in calculator in the notepad, its much easier for me to grab and add something. i could probably use the tiny mental workout anyway.

i've begun my workouts again, lost 10lbs in about 3 days. gained 2lbs back, now i'm down 8. not bad for 5 days.

if you are out there, i really need some support this time. doing it on my own isn't working, and the support systems that i used to have in place are stretched quite thin right now. anyone want to help me out with a pat on the back? :)

weight rant

2008-01-11T06:06:00.000-08:00

you know whats not fair? the fact that i feel better, my clothes fit better, and i am eating right and working out, and yet the scale isnt moving! ok, i'm being a brat b/c its only been since tuesday that i've been really amping it up as far as counting calories and working out, but still, i want to see some results. the shirt i put on today fit SO much better than it did when i bought it, less lumps and everything, and yet the scale says i weight .6lbs more today than yesterday AND my bf% is the same. jerk scale!

wah wah wah

2007-10-11T06:21:00.000-07:00

OK so i havent quite made my goal yet. lately i keep yoyoing and i havent had very much self control lately at all. I am getting control back though. I think i want to give up drinking again, maybe permanently. at least that is something i can give up, i can't give up food, i could give up sweets, but that would be horrible, although i might try that at some point too.

i havent gained any weight, i am hovering at 25lbs lost at the moment, but it should be more.

i've taken up cycling and bought a new bike for my birthday. its been fun learning, but i havent gone for a ride in a week because of not feeling well. a few weeks ago, brian and i rode from our house all the way to my work and then to the coffee shop around the corner and back. it was a lot of fun and i felt great that i could do it, even if i'm slow.

1 month from my goal!

2007-08-07T06:28:00.000-07:00

...as of yesterday.

I have lost 20lbs in 2 months, which is nothing to sneeze at. Although hurting my back threw a wrench in my workout plans for 2 weeks, I was eating well and not going over my calorie limit the entire time and continued to lose weight. However, once I started working out again, my weight seems to be stuck. I have been hovering between 15 and 20lbs for about a week and a half to 2 weeks now. Its kind of making me crazy. Its been bad, because the motivation in my head is waning big time. I really want to keep it up but I've had about a week's worth of bad eating... not as bad as before, not terrible, but not what I wanted to do, so I am disappointed in myself. I know that I need to just put that stuff behind me and keep on truckin' so thats what I plan to do. baby steps I guess :) I need to get back to the grocery store and get some healthy snacks, because the pantry is running low of the low-cal stuff and that makes me want to lose control and go out and get high cal stuff on a whim.

I still have not been able to get myself to work out in the mornings again, after I hurt my back. Part of it is that my husband is now working outside for 2 hours or more a day to clear a field behind our house, so he is getting a good workout that way, and is not interested in going to the gym with me. Seeing him sleeping comfortably at 6am makes it really hard for me to push myself out the door. Once I got up and almost made it, but couldnt find my workout bra and ended up collapsing on the bed snuggled up in the warm comforters :)

I have been bringing my workout clothes with me to work and changing while I am still at work, before my motivation fades, so I have no excuse not to go to the gym, last week I went 4x, which was my goal, it was my first full workout week back at the gym, even though I skipped Thurs, Fri, and Sat. I did not go to the gym yesterday because I was feeling down and sorry for myself and I should have gone because I would have felt better.

So, I will take my 20lb loss and keep going. I have one month left to reach my goal and judging from the past, I should be able to lose 30lbs by my birthday! Sept. 6! Get out your party hats! :)

back on track?

2007-07-26T07:58:00.000-07:00

well, i went to the gym twice last week, my goal was 3 times, just because i'm still recovering, i didnt want to push it any more than that.

yesterday i went for the first time this week, my goal is to go 3 times again, and i have my workout clothes with me at work so i can stop on my way home to work out.

i got on the scale today and i've lost 19.2lbs!! aug. 5 will be 2 months officially so i am a little ahead of schedule.

my bf% has been wacky though, way way up and way way down some days, probably a span of almost 4%, its kind of crazy. i think maybe its because my body water % is all over the place b/c i havent been lifting weights as much?

i won't freak out about that until i am back in a routine of working out 5x per week and lifting weights like i used to.

yesterday i did a full 30 minutes of cardio for the first time since i hurt my back, my back started getting really sore about 22 minutes into it, but i pushed past it and did a lot of good stretching when i was done. it felt good. i slept great too, no pain to keep me awake! yay!

at the rate i'm going, i'm on track to lose at least 30lbs by my birthday! thats *really* close to the goal i had, and i had less time than i thought i would!

3 month goal update 7

2007-07-18T07:24:00.001-07:00

well, my body is still recovering from my fall last sunday...

my lower back is getting a lot better a lot faster than my tail bone area (yes, my butt). i think my tail bone is just bruised or something and does not want to heal. the good thing is that my back is a lot better, and just sore and tender now.

i went back to the gym last night for the first time and did 25 minutes of slow cardio on the elliptical machine. my HR didnt get up very high, 130 tops, where i usually get to 170 or so, but i didnt want to push it too hard with my back and my tail bone.

after cardio i stretched for quite a while, trying to do as much stretching as i could to loosen up my back.

then i did some squats, and was really surprised how well i could do them! a week off must have done good things for my knees, because i felt great doing squats for the first time since i started doing them.

i did a little bit of upper body lifting, but i didnt want to bend over and lift at all, to put strain on my back, so i didnt do a full set.

it was my first time back, i took it easy, but i was so glad to be back in the gym.

i got on the scale today and i've lost 16lbs! im on my period right now, so i think it might even get lower than that in a few days! I cut my calories back a little bit when i hurt myself b/c i knew i wouldn't be able to work out for a while. i've been eating between 1400-1800, most days hitting right in the middle, but a few days on the low side and a few on the high side.

all in all, i feel like i've still been progressing, even through this injury, and i am happy with where i am. i have about a month and a half left until my birthday and i think i will be able hit very close to my goal of losing 28lbs by then.

last night i weighed myself after a bath and i had the lowest bf% that i've ever seen for myself! 5.5% lower than my initial body fat%!

this will not stop me!

2007-07-10T14:11:00.001-07:00

well, i've been doing really well with my goals. i've lost 12lbs and 3.5% body fat. sunday i was heading out early in the morning to run some errands before my workout and it was raining. i was wearing flip flops. bad combination i guess. i slipped on the front porch stairs and fell all the way down to the second to last one. when it happened i was in shock but couldnt breathe. my husband got me inside and tried to figure out what was going on, eventually i couldnt take the pain and told him i had to go to the hospital. i *never* want to go to the doctor, i hate doctors, but this time i was so afraid i had broken something. i could walk, but barely, so i knew i didnt break my back or anything scary like that, but i thought maybe a rib or something.

they took xrays at the hospital and thankfully nothing is broken. i am in a good amount of pain, yesterday was probably the worst, but i am hoping to be back on my feet and at the gym by the end of this week. i may have to take it easy with slow walks on the treadmill and cautious weights, but i am determined not to let this injury kill my progress.

they have me on percocet which kills my appetite to the point that when i eat, i throw it right back up. i am really struggling the last few days with getting enough calories. sunday i probably had 800-1100, yesterday around 800, and so far today barely 300. i am trying though, and trying to eat fruit and other things high in vitamins to help me heal. anyone have suggestions? the only things i've been able to keep down so far have been soup, fruit, and pizza. great, right? :) i had pasta and salad on sunday that my mom brought me and i got sick a few hours later.

3 month goal update 6

2007-07-04T12:26:00.001-07:00

well, i am a month into it now and i just realized this was really a 3 month goal, i don't know where i got 4 months. it may end up being 4 months before i can hit my goal of -35lbs! i was down almost 12lbs on monday, and somehow in one day i gained 2.5lbs, and another pound the next day! now i am down about 8.5lbs, because i lost a half a pound from yesterday until today. its very frustrating with the ups and downs, especially since i've been doing so well with diet and exercise. i've been getting to the gym 5 days a week, doing cardio every time, and 2x upper body and 2x lower body weights. i think i am putting on muscle, which could be why weight "loss" is slow, its because i'm gaining some muscle while losing the fat. when i have lost 20lbs or so, 2lbs won't seem like that much, at least, not in the grand scheme of things (i would like to be able to say, yeah, i've lost about 18-20lbs instead of 8-10lbs, it just sounds like i've accomplished more) but i know this too shall pass, and all that. still 8.5lbs isnt bad in 4 weeks. if i could continue to lose 2lbs per week on average for the next year or so, i would be very close to my goal already! i just can't wait until i've lost enough that people start to notice, audibly, because i work with a bunch of men, and my husband sees me every single day, so none of them notice an 8lb loss... ugh, boys. i need to hang out with my girl friends more often :) 2 months to go before my birthday! I'm hoping to have lost at least 25lbs by then, and i'll hit 35 by the next month :)

4 month goal: update 5

2007-06-28T10:59:00.001-07:00

well i am 24 days into my goal and as of today i've lost 8 1/2lbs! i cut my calories a little lower, down to around 1700 and it seems to have helped a lot in kickstarting the scale.

i've gotten 4 good workouts so far this week and plan to go again tomorrow morning for another one.

my husband has been really good about getting up with me! there has been much less complaining. the only day he convinced me not to go was yesterday, but we went after work and got a very good workout.

this weekend i am going to try to fit in at least 30 minutes of a walk, probably longer, with the dogs, and stay away from the gym.

my knees and ankles have been sore off and on, as well as my lower back, so i think some rest will be beneficial.

26 1/2 lbs to go before sept 6! i don't have any delusions that i'll actually make it. i think i may lose another 20 tops, but that puts me very close to my goal, and if i lose all 35 by the end of september, i will be very happy with myself.

oh frustration!

2007-06-25T17:08:00.000-07:00

on friday, i weighed myself and i was down 8lbs!! i was so excited, i felt like i was back on track after my TOM, but now, for the last 2 days, i've consistently weighed in at only -5 to -6lbs again. argh! i know i am doing things the way its recommended, and i expected to hit a plateau, but i expected it after 2 months, and maybe 15-20lbs, not after 3 weeks and only 6lbs! my BMR is around 2050, and i am consistently eating between 1800 and 2200, most days i am a little under 2200, more like 2000 on average. i am trying to be more active in my normal routine, walking a lil farther each morning from my car to the building, taking my dogs for walks every few days, swimming when i can, etc..., and also doing 4-5 days at the gym doing cardio and weights. my bf% has gone down about 2%, so i am very happy about that, but i expected to loose a little more than this by now, especially since i was down 8lbs just 3 days ago.

4 month goal: update 4

2007-06-22T11:50:00.000-07:00

8lbs lost now, 27lbs to go. 77 days left. still .35lbs per day, 2.45lbs per week. i can do it!

no gym today, brian was being lazy and i absolutely cannot hear the alarm when it goes off, so i woke up at 5:45 and thought 'oh yes, 15 minutes to sleep until i have to get up, pure bliss' and the next thing i remember is waking up at 6:22. frick. too late to go to the gym. i could have gone alone at that point but i guess i wasn't thinking. next time i will just get up and tell brian to take a shower before i get back.

will try to hit the gym tonight, and once on the weekend. next week my goal is to go to the gym 4 times in the morning.

you hear that brian? 4 times! no wimping out on me!

morning workouts? yes please,

2007-06-21T07:33:00.000-07:00

i finally broke into morning workouts today...

if you remember my post from yesterday, the gym was closed when we got there and we waited but it didnt open until after we finally left.

well this morning, we made it there a couple of minutes later than yesterday, and it was open! huzzah! i was glad, because i was dead tired and if it was closed, i would have had a really hard time waking up today.

the best thing about a morning workout, is that when you are done, you get ready for work and you realize that when you get home, you can relax. no giant schedule of running home to take care of the dogs and then getting ready for the gym, working out, coming home, making dinner, etc... it takes a lot out of your evening if you do it that way. i like morning workouts better. i'm done by 7am :)

i ended up getting to the gym at lunchtime yesterday, for 10 minutes on the elliptical, and upper body weights. good workout. not as much cardio as i wanted, but i was in a time crunch.

at the gym this morning, i did 35 minutes on the elliptical, which is my normal time, but lately i've been doing it at a 5 or 6 resistance instead of 3 or 4, so i am burning more calories and feeling it in my butt and thighs and calves. i did not do any lower body work today (besides the cardio) because my body is pretty sore from the last few days, and monday i did a pretty intense lower body workout and i am just now starting to feel normal again!

tomorrow i hope to do another 30-35 on the elliptical and then do lower body work. (i usually cut my time by 5 minutes or so on cardio when i do lower body)

saturday my husband and i are going to the lake with my parents, where we have to paint a bedroom, and i am hoping to get a semi-decent workout swimming and walking, but i probably won't kill myself to get 30 minutes of solid cardio, its going to be pretty tiring just being up there all day. for some reason, swimming at the lake just zaps all my energy and i want to nap when i'm done. i suppose we should paint the room first then eh? :)

still holding steady at around 6lbs lost. hoping to see some improvement in that once my TOM is over. pllleeeeaasseee?

4 month goal: update 3

2007-06-20T05:52:00.001-07:00

i am holding steady at 6lbs lost... which aint bad for 2 weeks, right?

the last couple of days i've done really well keeping my calories down, and really, i've been good about it since i started 2 weeks ago. i am not sure why the last 3 days the scale hasnt budged, but i am blaming it on the TOM and hoping that it goes away and takes the weight with it soon.

this morning i finally made myself get up in the morning and go work out. my husband even came with me! he complained the whole way to the gym, but at least he went.

we got to the gym, several other cars were in the parking lot with people in them. i walked to the gym door and it was locked. we arrived at about 6:08, they were supposed to open at 6am. we waited until about 6:25 and then left... i was soooo annoyed. i was on a momentum and was looking forward to stretching my legs and getting a good workout. don't they know that its a delicate balance? i have to keep forward momentum going people! its so easy to give up, i don't want to let myself get close to that.

oh well. i am going to try to hit the gym around lunch today, and if not, i'll try again tomorrow morning.

i called the gym and they said it was just a scheduling mixup and they apologized and said it would not happen again. i will give them the benefit of the doubt because i know that sort of thing happens. i'll see them tomorrow morning!!

five guys

2007-06-16T13:58:00.001-07:00

burgers and fries.

what i had for dinner last night.

i havent had anything fried in 2 weeks at least.

it was really good, and really bad.

i believe i still stayed within my calorie limit for the day, and today i had lost another pound, so i don't feel too guilty, but still, it wasnt the best choice. i suppose something decadent like that isnt bad if its in moderation.

28.7lbs to go before Sept 6! 82 days left to go. thats .35lbs per day, 2.5lbs per week. keep your fingers crossed for me.

4 month goal update 3

2007-06-16T13:52:00.000-07:00

I finally got myself doing squats with the ball against the wall... and those squats really hurt. My knees were weak for probably 8 hours after my workout, but they felt fine the next day, so thats a good sign, I am gaining strength where I need it most, in my knees.

I've been pretty consistently doing 30-40 minutes of cardio, each time i go to the gym. This week I took Wednesday off to go to the farmer's market to stock up on veggies and fruits, and then yesterday off, even though I wanted to go to the gym. I am taking today off from the gym, but going walking later this evening when it cools off. My husband hurt his back somehow today and is having muscle spasms, but I think it will be fine tomorrow so I will wait and go with him tomorrow, and that will make 4x this week! My goal is to go to the gym 5x per week and walk at least once on one of the days I don't make it to the gym. I figured that I'll probably take Wednesdays off to go to the farmer's market, or get any other random things done after work.

I would *really* like to be going to the gym in the mornings though, my only roadblock is Brian, my husband, actually making himself get up to go with me. I am trying to support him in getting back into shape, and quitting drinking (for both of us) so we are sticking together to go to the gym.

Hopefully we can transition to mornings in the next few weeks, and then I can go M-F, and just do walks on the weekends.

As of today, I have lost 6.3lbs! Part of my reasoning for skipping the gym today was that I didn't want to do too much too soon, and then not be able to get over a plateau that is inevitably coming, probably when I've lost 20lbs. I can add a day at the gym then, or increase my time on the cardio side, and try to get over the bump. I know its almost inevitable and unavoidable, that I will hit a wall at some point, so I don't want to work to 100% capacity now and not be able to go anywhere when I need to.

4 month goal: update 2

2007-06-12T06:21:00.000-07:00

i tried last night to do lunges and squats, but squats hurt my knees immediately, probably because i had just done 20 minutes on the elliptical and they were a bit stressed. i might have to do them before cardio in order to get anywhere with my knees. my knees will get better as i lose weight and also as i exercise more, its like exercise lubes the joints up and makes them work better. :)

lunges were ok, i didnt go really far but i took a huge step and tried to get my knee to be parallel to my foot, and not go over my foot, because thats where all the stress goes to my knee. i did lifts onto the balls of my feet and lunges, not squats after the first one, and i couldnt find anything to 'stepup' on at the gym until i realized later it they had some step things that you could stack near the front, i just missed them. i will do those next time or use my steps at home with some weights. after i was done with that stuff i did the leg press machine and then did another 10 minutes on the elliptical cause my favorite one was free, and i wanted to get 30 minutes of cardio in. i will go again today and do upper body free weights, i am finally starting to get over being sore in my arms, so time to make them sore again :) i'll be sure to stretch after cardio and then after weights.

i've now lost 4.4lbs! (holding steady at that loss for 2 days now)

wednesday is my day off working out. my husband and i are going to go to the farmer's market because we are almost out of vegetables and fruits in our kitchen, so i'll use that opportunity to load up on good fresh veggies and fruits that can be used as meals or snacks.

ps. i got these new south beach diet lunch kits. yesterday i tried the sesame chicken wraps, and today i have the chicken caeser wraps. they have a TON of fiber (16g 60%dv) for the one i had yesterday, and 24g of protein! they are pretty small, so when i was finished with the 2 wraps yesterday i wanted to eat more, but i decided with all that protein and fiber, i would wait at least 10 minutes before grabbing my grapes and i was full, like really FULL after 10 minutes, and that lasted a good few hours.

the major drawback that i see to these kits is the sodium content, which was about 30%dv, so basically like any canned soup you'd get. Also, there are no vegetables included, but it is the south beach diet and aren't vegetables supposed to be bad on that diet? Anyway, i brought some cherry tomatoes to snack on as well as grapes, so i think you'd just have to supplement with some fruits or veggies on the side. anyway, these meals are pretty darn good, and not as expensive as i would have thought.

4 month goal update 1

2007-06-10T05:21:00.001-07:00

I am 5 days into my 4 month goal of losing 35lbs by my birthday (Sept 6).

Here is my most recent update:

I am so sore today. I tried free weights yesterday at the gym and wow, I am really suprised how little weight I can do! Its funny because I can do at least double the amount on the machines, but with dumbells and barbells, no way. At least I tried it, I got over my little phobia of looking like a dumb girl in the free weights area with all the sweaty grunters. It was a bit easier because it was the weekend, so there were less people there.

Also, yesterday was my first day back in the gym for almost 4 weeks. It felt good to get back. I have been walking daily for anywhere between 20 minutes and an hour. I even walked yesterday, on top of the 35 minutes I did on the elliptical, my neighbor and I got out and walked for over an hour with our dogs.

My calories have been good since tuesday, also. I am trying to hit right at or 100 above my bmr, which is 2050 approx., so I have been trying to stay under 2200. I am only leaving it this high so that when i hit an inevitable plateau, I can cut calories again and try to break through it. I assume that by the end of all this weight loss, I will be at a consistent 1500-1800 calorie count, since 1500 would be my bmr at my goal weight (150lbs, I'm 5' 10.5" and female) I may have to increase the calorie count though, if I build enough muscle!

I am down 3.4lbs since tuesday. Last night after a big drink of "fitness water" (which I got because I was craving sweets and it was only 40 calories for the whole thing, and pretty tasty actually), I had gained it all back in water weight, but then again this morning, I am back down to a 3.4lb loss.

Its definately encouraging. I now have 31.6lbs to lose before Sept 6!

new tattoo, no gym

2007-04-13T12:22:00.000-07:00

i got a new tattoo, which can be viewed here

this means no gym for a few days at least. i have my humane society walk tomorrow which will probably be leisurely and not strenuous, so not a real calorie burner.

i have lost 5lbs in the last 2 weeks, and 12lbs total since january. i took nearly a 2 month hiatus on working out and eating right, which is very bad, but i am back on track. i will hit the gym again as soon as i'm healed enough not to be in pain when i'm lifting!

don't give up because you've hit a bump.

2007-04-13T12:19:00.000-07:00

"Finish each day
And be done with it.
You have done what you could.
Some blunders and
Absurdities have crept in.
Forget them as soon as you can."

a piece of a poem from Emerson. i am trying to live that way with my weight loss. no more getting down on myself.

shitty day - goodbye autumn

2007-04-11T15:22:00.000-07:00

my cat died at 12:30am. great way to start april 11th. i am turning this blog into my fitness blog, instead of mirroring my livejournal blog.

soon i will begin posting about my progress in losing weight, and becoming more fit. i will share any special information that i find interesting or helpful. you can follow along or join in. we could all stand to be healthier.

as for today, i was really going to push myself to go to the gym and work out my foggy head there, but i just can't. i am going to make frozen pizza and have a beer or 5 and feel sad for my poor kitty.

i will post something in my livejournal blog soon explaining what happened, if you are worried, or you'd just like to know.

my husband and i are very upset. i will (I WILL) make it to the gym tomorrow morning before work. after work i am getting a new tattoo and i'm very excited. everything is tainted with sadness at the moment though.

she will be desperately missed

BOYS!!

2007-03-30T12:28:00.001-07:00

i wanted
to
kill
dexter
yesterday!

we are at the dog park, and lara has to go feed mrs. fancypants' cat, so she asks me to watch her dog, herschel, while she is gone. he won't leave the fence when she leaves and i knew this from the last time, so i hung out near the fence with him so i could keep an eye on him and so i knew he wouldn't get out. the last time i watched herschel, her other doggie charo, and dexter, i nearly has a heart attack trying to keep track of them all. they are all so small.

herschel was looking out of the fence for lara, and dexter got the great idea to try it too. he ended up slipping between the fence planks into the front yard of the person next door. ARGH. well he doesnt stop there, no no, he decides to slip under their front gate too! so i start to freak out because he can run out into the street now. so i asked another lady who was standing close to watch herschel and i struggled with the gate to get out, and then i looked up as i was calling "DEXTER!! COME BACK! DEXXXXTTTEEERRRRR!" a bus was coming around the corner! i got out to the street and started calling him and he must have heard or saw the bus because he got scared and started running back to me and jumped into my arms. he scared the crap out of me. my heart wouldnt stop beating 1000 times a minute.

i didnt know whether to strangle him to hug him!

phew. i need a drink just thinking about it.

now brian is sick too and he refuses to take a day off work, so that only makes me worry about him too.

every day

2007-03-21T10:42:00.000-07:00

early morning snuggles
no gym time
getting up early? next time.
soft pillows and smelly cats
cold mornings with goosebumps
sweaty blankets
relentless alarm
snooze button
dexter needs to pee
trip over yesterday's bra
turn the radio on
wakeup.
shower
hair makeup clothes
food food
cake puke on the carpet again
dexter curled up
car starts, second try
the boulevard is backed up
forgot my lunch
late for work
coffffeeeeee

the plan

2007-03-20T09:15:00.000-07:00

this week's focus is not spending any money. its so hard. i don't understand how people can make less money than we do and still survive. i suppose some people have less bills than we do. after our bills, we have almost nothing left. i hate debt.

i also want to go to the gym before work instead of after for a while and see how i like it. it will be an adjustment. the worst part is having to eat first thing in the morning. my stomach gets all queasy when i eat early. i'll have to think of something to do about that.

this weekend is athens! i'm so excited. i havent had any time away at all. i even have a half day at work on friday to get things ready. before you ask, yes, we will spend $ in athens. we'll have to. not too much though. at least we'll have some by then.

we are going to the of montreal show at the 40 watt, which is exciting because i've never been there, and being an ex-REM-insane-fanatic-person, its kind of a right of passage. there are a lot of cool little stores there that would be way more fun if i could spend any amount i wanted. very cute clothing stores and lots of record stores. gotta love wuxtry. lets just not have any run-ins with college kids.

new hairdo

2007-03-19T10:08:00.000-07:00

i've posted this already at b-s-betti on livejournal but i want to practice the whole picture deal and if i am moving over here, i really want to commemorate my awesome great clips haircut.

here is the new cut. i love it. i am so suprised i got a good cut that was exactly what i asked for at this chain. its refreshing to know i won't have to pay 50 bucks every time i want a haircut. i am thinking about all over highlights though. if i ever have money again.

move on over

2007-03-19T09:14:00.000-07:00

i started posting blogs on my own page a long time ago. then i moved to myspace out of convenience. now i post on livejournal. i am going to try this out, i hate to move again but this looks a lot better than livejournal. what do you think?